~~~~~~ANJAYS SPACE~~~~~

Well its been a while since I blogged and yes I am doing it whilst at my work as my time at home seems to be pre-occupied with my family, my hobbies, reiki included, my life and my bathroom which my loving dad is doing for me at his expense, or reading books which are very much a huge part of my life for self development.

Firstly I wanted to update everyone about my son Darren who just recently in June finished his degree, bless him, he has been in Education for 15.5 years. Not all has been plain sailing as his degree did prove to him to be extremely hard at times, however with the support of us all and good friends he done it, and can I just say how proud a mum I am.  But not only am I proud that he did finish to where I wished him to be from a very young age, but he is now in Full Time Employment doing what his Education has taught him to do and is the proud employee of a reputable IT firm where is now a Junior Web Developer with the future prospects of climbing that ever steep ladder of employment.  He is on a good starting salary and promised promotion quickly, climate permitting!!

He is travelling quite a distance and mum here is taking him to the train station every day, not because he is a mummy s boy but because the hours he puts in are long and because we are a close family we utilise what we have.. Which is "each other", his brother who has a car is also helping, bless him too, he is my other angel to whom I am so proud of as you will read further down the line.

So from my son to where I am.. Well I have put in applications at University to do Mental Health Nursing, which was not my first choice but because I wanted to do something with Mental Health and people were advising me that financially this is a good option of any of the Uni courses, and because my home is very important for a stable ground for me I thought okay ill take that route.. Low and behold both universities have not allowed me in because I needed one more Higher, I left school with nothing and all my Education has been as a mature student whilst being a mum to my boys!! which all pointed to me doing Office based or Management work so that I could provide a stable life for my boys, not luxury orientated but definitely to provide for them.

I initially went to the University way back in March time and Mental Health and Counselling was where my heart took me, but I chickened out due to finances and thought what a huge risk I would be taking with no one at my back to catch me if I fell, Daz at Uni and Dean yes he is working but he has himself to look after.  Anyway on my travels regarding Mental Health Nursing I took it upon myself to try and speak to someone to see if I could get some advise regarding why I couldn't get in, after all I knew I am more than capable of doing this course.  After a couple of phone calls I was advised to talk to a certain lady at the Uni should help me, so I was told.

To cut a long story short I met with this lady who turns out was not from the Nursing Department but was the Admissions Tutor for Mental Health and Counselling, I thought oh my this is very weird this is what I initially wanted to do, started to feel a bit excited about this as I felt I was being guided...  I was a bit disappointed when she told me I would have to do a two year course shadowing the Degree because its been such a long time since I have done college work  and that this route is for people who may wish to drop out if they feel that degree level Education was not for them, or to continue the next two years then get the qualifications for Mental Health,  but she told me in no uncertain terms was I not taking the wrong route, merely a route which would give me the option to back out, and that she as a person could not direct me otherwise and have the failures on her hand that may be for some who truly don t realise how hard the study is for the final result being the qualifications in Mental Health.

I went home and thought okay ill put in for it but not really having my heart in it, but still having my heart for to go to Uni to do what I want to do.

Anyway cutting another corner I called her to advise that I have done this and put it as my 2nd choice for Ucas since I already was knocked back for Nursing by two Universities, this information was left on a message via her phone and asked if she could call me back.  She called me back that day, twice in fact, the first time I did not manage to take her call.  So during the conversation she said

“Well unfortunately the communication between the University computers and Ucas are down, but you should see your status changing next week”.

I didn’t think anything of it and I replied  

“Well I just wanted to advise you that I have done this”

She said “Jackie you have your place”. 

I was silent and had to take a couple of moments to actually realise that this lady was giving me a place at University, to progress my career in Mental Health.

I was a bit overwhelmed to say the least as I went to my parents to talk about this and started to feel a bit sick and anxious, I had to go home this is real now I have the chance to progress my life.

I went home and Dean my youngest was in, he already knew I got a place and he asked if I was okay, I sat and told him I am feeling so sick about this in fact scared kind of, this is a huge step I am taking from full time employment into Education again.  He said “mum for as long as I can remember your dream has to be to have a career doing this, the reality is here, stop thinking about me and Darren for a change and the house and you do what you want to do, you deserve it.  I take bad mum to seeing you like this as you usually just go ahead and do what is right, you are worrying for nothing, and know what I know you’ll go ahead and do it anyway so c’mon you should be happy, you now have that CHANCE.  “Are you scared because your life will change”?

Wow, how his words have sunk, yeah I am, but in an exciting way, he also said mum it’s also because you’ve to think about you for a change and not us, he hugged me and I felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders, and with just that little bit of encouragement from my own son has made me feel so much better.

I cannot express how lucky I am in life for the children I have, the roof over my head, the food I eat, my parents and my friends, both near and afar, and now the opportunity to take a huge leap of faith into a life I have so wanted since a child, which is to be amongst them who need me and to be able to make a change because I understand, but I understand more now, even over the passed few months things have slipped into place more than I could ever have dreamed of.

I hope you get something out of this as I wanted to share with you all that I was once that person who needed support since a very  young age I have had to survive, I had to fight physically mentally and emotionally to be that rock for my children and look what I have in return, I am blessed, and I am worthy of a life which is not self obsessed but is for the good of others as well as for me to find happiness in all I do, and regardless in what I have done in my past to survive, how many wars I have won and the people I have hated on my path for hurting me so much.. I have forgiven myself and others because this is part of self development and as long as you realise your own worth you will then appreciate the worth of others around you.

Love and Light to you all, and thank you to some very dear friends of mine, who will truly never know what they mean and how they have a huge place in my heart, silence still tells stories.

Oh mother oh mother of mine how do you repeat this pain

Instead of pushing me away hold me next to your heart again

You intoxicate yourself with emotions that reach so far away

Expect me to understand them whilst on them strong you do lay

You seem to forget I have my own pains that still sometimes pass me by

Strong albeit but some they still have the ability to make me cry

I love you more than you realise because you won’t allow yourself to feel

Yet you kidnap me and tie me to that same emotional wheel

I pray for your heart at night and ask the angels to keep it light

Asking the angels to protect your heart and soul at night

Praying for life to be kinder to your head

I don t think you realise I worry whilst laying in my bed

Then put the barriers so high that I cannot see

But you know I’ll get in again, as that is the powers that be

You underestimate my loyalty and my heart which I give free

Even though you never seem to wonder what this is doing to me

I sometimes wonder if I am more like you than I do care to admit

Locking myself away, analysing every hit

A heart so golden it shines yet you darken with your talk

Sometime I do mum, I do want to turn and walk

But inside something tells me I would never just up and go

Even though I get exhausted and sometimes left to feel quite low

But strength then just appears and this is what I now seek

However, If I’ve needed loved at all I needed it this week.

A fair maiden sitting with what seems, tears trickling down her face

To find its fairies in all their air and grace

As she tries to feel the sorrow of something lost

The fairies they don t think there needs to be a cost

A cost for her heart is not worth the pain

They slide down her face whilst playing in her rain

She hears them giggle and watches them so fair

Whilst they are tying knots in her lovely golden hair

Fairies then angels all cover her with love

Thank god for the faith she still has from above

Without this faith she thinks all would be gone

Her heart although hurt she knows she s nearly home

She also giggles aloud as she knows what they do

They are telling her there is someone there for you

Someone who will understand your every single pain

Whilst this golden maiden feels a completely different rain

A feeling of guilt comes to her head

As she then remembers the numbers who are dead

Them who now cannot feel from their humanly state

Brings herself together, speediest of pace

Then sits and prays for the families who need her more

Knowing at least she can choose a different door

Asks her angels politely please now leave my side

Go to the distressed and down their cheeks please slide

Give them something wonderful to lift a grief so sad

Knowing that these people hate the world and all its bad

Please restore their faith in humanity just for me

Because even I know there are wonders out at sea

Give them all my love and let them feel my embrace

I’ve lifted my spirit to find you in a place

I will reach out to you with friends who share my view

We all know to pray for the unfortunate is the kindest thing to do