I stand I look around what direction shall I go
I stand I see the world and think where should I be
I sit and feel I should not so I get up and walk around
What is my direction when my feet hit this ground

Yes I am happy but something is not right
Unsettled as I toss and turn each night
Could it be the hurt I put onto one
For he thought he was for me, but quickly I did run

Could it be the vast amounts of work that my brain it is not used to
Could it just be that I am part of one with others who feel this blue
Up and down I am unsettled yet happy I am, but not as happy as I could be
Is this just the guilt that is gloating around in me

Am I easy to talk to, yes I truly am
Am I a good mother, yes I think I am
Am I a good lover for others to want to be with me
This is something I am unsettled with now you see

A friend forever is easy for its comes so naturally
A daughter to my mother we still have little fights
But nothing seems to be why I am unsettled at nights
Spiritually I feel I had disengaged for a while
This truly did effect me and maybe that was a trial
To see if I could survive without reaching out to you
But angels and spirit guides I need you  now I DO

Time I do not have much of and this does take its tole
Trying to finish Uni work as you've only set time to reach that goal
Assessment after assessment and various books to read
Is this what is unsettling me and inside it does breed

I still really don't know what is going on with me
I know I am not alone so that makes it easier you see
For I know I am part of a vast world of souls out there
So for some reason it helps me and does leave me scared

I have fears like any human that many angels fail
I just have to wait and see what the future shall reveal
I fill out all the applications to seek alternate work
I pray to thee my angels and guides don t leave me standing in the lurk

For I am of good intent and my new career shall show to you
That spreading my love, sharing my heart is all I want to do
I want to help them who need me and shelter them exposed
I now rise from where I am to reopen doors that have been closed

My life is for them who cannot live as you and I
They cannot seem to see the light as they look unto the sky
I want to give them that lift for in their eyes to  see
There are plenty of little angels who are like you and me

I pray to still manage to keep my roof over my head
To still smile each morning and I arise from my bed
To share my thoughts of light and still manage to shed the dark
To listen to the winds as they sing in tune with the lark

Protect me from imbalances which may dare come my way
All I can do now is actively seek my life and pray
Pray that you will see in me the person who I am true
For what I am about to embark on shall shine with light of blue

GREAT NIGHT WITH A CHILDHOOD FRIEND OF MINE
HER DAUGHTERS 1ST HEN NIGHT IN DUNDEE
2ND ONE TO COME IN GLASGOW NEXT WEEK
"FABULOUS TIME"
LET MY HAIR GO AND JUST FLEW AWAY

An ever changing journey is what seems to be for me
It doesn't really matter if it changes now you see
For I accept I am on a journey that now fills my life with smiles
I've trodden further journeys that took me through negative miles

I now don't have the anguish of pains of times before
I gladly turned around and closed that darkened door
Life still presents me obstacles that I must but overcome
But the faith I have inside me makes realises this can be done

My family they shall always be my priority first and most
But along with them is me I shall always shadow them like a ghost
We may all venture to different  areas that  we must but reach
As long as on the way I can be there still to teach

There is so much to learn and endeavor on this earthly plane
But also a lot of which we must enter a new domain
For I am now reaching out to my guides who I know have served me well
But this inner side of me is a must I will compel

I am guided by many thoughts and intuition that the past did hide from me
But I now know that this is because I felt I had no place you see
Once you find the true you, a joy it is to find
The world is not as bad as we think it's in the mind

We can never control the other forces of mankind in anyway
But giving out your heart shall shoot your energies out each day
For you have an abundance of love inside that you should never try to hide
Love for ever more and you shall sail with the tide

As long as you keep focused on the worth you have in you
You will be rewarded with such good things and dreams will then come true
Don't give up when you see obstacles shoot out from behind the scene
Remember where you want to go and where you have already been.

Do you get up in the morning and scramble out of bed

Look into the mirror to see a toilet brush for a head

Stretch your arms so high that you near fall off your feet

Make yourself some coffee and make it far too sweet

 

You then go to the shower to try and come to life

Singing as your washing chanting no troubles or strife

Start to dry yourself and realise you forgot to wash your face

Walk outside the door and realise you forgot to tie your lace

 

Driving to work as many of us do

Thinking Ill have to hurry I forgot to get the loo

Open the dreaded door of the doom of the day

Then never mind chin up its near Friday

 

Phones they constantly ring and people sitting with a frown

I don t care no more as they can t get me down

I love the fact I now can genuinely say to you

Your life starts from dream and becomes reality if you want it to

 

 

 

 

 

Well its been a while since I blogged and yes I am doing it whilst at my work as my time at home seems to be pre-occupied with my family, my hobbies, reiki included, my life and my bathroom which my loving dad is doing for me at his expense, or reading books which are very much a huge part of my life for self development.

 

Firstly I wanted to update everyone about my son Darren who just recently in June finished his degree, bless him, he has been in Education for 15.5 years. Not all has been plain sailing as his degree did prove to him to be extremely hard at times, however with the support of us all and good friends he done it, and can I just say how proud a mum I am.  But not only am I proud that he did finish to where I wished him to be from a very young age, but he is now in Full Time Employment doing what his Education has taught him to do and is the proud employee of a reputable IT firm where is now a Junior Web Developer with the future prospects of climbing that ever steep ladder of employment.  He is on a good starting salary and promised promotion quickly, climate permitting!!

 

He is travelling quite a distance and mum here is taking him to the train station every day, not because he is a mummy s boy but because the hours he puts in are long and because we are a close family we utilise what we have.. Which is "each other", his brother who has a car is also helping, bless him too, he is my other angel to whom I am so proud of as you will read further down the line.

 

So from my son to where I am.. Well I have put in applications at University to do Mental Health Nursing, which was not my first choice but because I wanted to do something with Mental Health and people were advising me that financially this is a good option of any of the Uni courses, and because my home is very important for a stable ground for me I thought okay ill take that route.. Low and behold both universities have not allowed me in because I needed one more Higher, I left school with nothing and all my Education has been as a mature student whilst being a mum to my boys!! which all pointed to me doing Office based or Management work so that I could provide a stable life for my boys, not luxury orientated but definitely to provide for them.

 

I initially went to the University way back in March time and Mental Health and Counselling was where my heart took me, but I chickened out due to finances and thought what a huge risk I would be taking with no one at my back to catch me if I fell, Daz at Uni and Dean yes he is working but he has himself to look after.  Anyway on my travels regarding Mental Health Nursing I took it upon myself to try and speak to someone to see if I could get some advise regarding why I couldn't get in, after all I knew I am more than capable of doing this course.  After a couple of phone calls I was advised to talk to a certain lady at the Uni should help me, so I was told.

 

To cut a long story short I met with this lady who turns out was not from the Nursing Department but was the Admissions Tutor for Mental Health and Counselling, I thought oh my this is very weird this is what I initially wanted to do, started to feel a bit excited about this as I felt I was being guided...  I was a bit disappointed when she told me I would have to do a two year course shadowing the Degree because its been such a long time since I have done college work  and that this route is for people who may wish to drop out if they feel that degree level Education was not for them, or to continue the next two years then get the qualifications for Mental Health,  but she told me in no uncertain terms was I not taking the wrong route, merely a route which would give me the option to back out, and that she as a person could not direct me otherwise and have the failures on her hand that may be for some who truly don t realise how hard the study is for the final result being the qualifications in Mental Health.

 

I went home and thought okay ill put in for it but not really having my heart in it, but still having my heart for to go to Uni to do what I want to do.

 

Anyway cutting another corner I called her to advise that I have done this and put it as my 2nd choice for Ucas since I already was knocked back for Nursing by two Universities, this information was left on a message via her phone and asked if she could call me back.  She called me back that day, twice in fact, the first time I did not manage to take her call.  So during the conversation she said

 

“Well unfortunately the communication between the University computers and Ucas are down, but you should see your status changing next week”.

 

I didn’t think anything of it and I replied  

 

“Well I just wanted to advise you that I have done this”

 

She said “Jackie you have your place”. 

 

I was silent and had to take a couple of moments to actually realise that this lady was giving me a place at University, to progress my career in Mental Health.

 

I was a bit overwhelmed to say the least as I went to my parents to talk about this and started to feel a bit sick and anxious, I had to go home this is real now I have the chance to progress my life.

 

I went home and Dean my youngest was in, he already knew I got a place and he asked if I was okay, I sat and told him I am feeling so sick about this in fact scared kind of, this is a huge step I am taking from full time employment into Education again.  He said “mum for as long as I can remember your dream has to be to have a career doing this, the reality is here, stop thinking about me and Darren for a change and the house and you do what you want to do, you deserve it.  I take bad mum to seeing you like this as you usually just go ahead and do what is right, you are worrying for nothing, and know what I know you’ll go ahead and do it anyway so c’mon you should be happy, you now have that CHANCE.  “Are you scared because your life will change”?

 

Wow, how his words have sunk, yeah I am, but in an exciting way, he also said mum it’s also because you’ve to think about you for a change and not us, he hugged me and I felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders, and with just that little bit of encouragement from my own son has made me feel so much better.

I cannot express how lucky I am in life for the children I have, the roof over my head, the food I eat, my parents and my friends, both near and afar, and now the opportunity to take a huge leap of faith into a life I have so wanted since a child, which is to be amongst them who need me and to be able to make a change because I understand, but I understand more now, even over the passed few months things have slipped into place more than I could ever have dreamed of.

 

I hope you get something out of this as I wanted to share with you all that I was once that person who needed support since a very  young age I have had to survive, I had to fight physically mentally and emotionally to be that rock for my children and look what I have in return, I am blessed, and I am worthy of a life which is not self obsessed but is for the good of others as well as for me to find happiness in all I do, and regardless in what I have done in my past to survive, how many wars I have won and the people I have hated on my path for hurting me so much.. I have forgiven myself and others because this is part of self development and as long as you realise your own worth you will then appreciate the worth of others around you.

 

Love and Light to you all, and thank you to some very dear friends of mine, who will truly never know what they mean and how they have a huge place in my heart, silence still tells stories.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh mother oh mother of mine how do you repeat this pain

Instead of pushing me away hold me next to your heart again

You intoxicate yourself with emotions that reach so far away

Expect me to understand them whilst on them strong you do lay

 

You seem to forget I have my own pains that still sometimes pass me by

Strong albeit but some they still have the ability to make me cry

I love you more than you realise because you won’t allow yourself to feel

Yet you kidnap me and tie me to that same emotional wheel

 

I pray for your heart at night and ask the angels to keep it light

Asking the angels to protect your heart and soul at night

Praying for life to be kinder to your head

I don t think you realise I worry whilst laying in my bed

 

Then put the barriers so high that I cannot see

But you know I’ll get in again, as that is the powers that be

You underestimate my loyalty and my heart which I give free

Even though you never seem to wonder what this is doing to me

 

I sometimes wonder if I am more like you than I do care to admit

Locking myself away, analysing every hit

A heart so golden it shines yet you darken with your talk

Sometime I do mum, I do want to turn and walk

 

But inside something tells me I would never just up and go

Even though I get exhausted and sometimes left to feel quite low

But strength then just appears and this is what I now seek

However, If I’ve needed loved at all I needed it this week.

 

I just wanted to share some love to them who ll be as one

On a day thats meant for loving when loving seems to have gone

The loving of another is an easy thing to do

But loving to the end seems the hardest part to see through

 

Dear hearts don t take it hard when your living this day alone

Don t let it bring thoughts to the mind that loving is truly gone

Even if you know you ve loved but others cannot see

Even feared hearts are important when fear is what rules thee

 

People can doubt you have heart if you don t show it the way they want

But for two to be one they must see that sometimes they just cant

Lovers don t always share a heart thats pure

But soul mates share much,much more for sure

 

Some see you as not giving love and may even call you cold

Just because you do not have the words which should at that time be told

But when they start to see in you something you know is not you

Makes you think a bit deeper and wonder if even thier love was true

 

Tomorrow is when the cherubs shoot their bows

If you get shot tomorrow let it lift you from your toes

Love every second if even if its only that

You ll never know when the feeling will ever come back

 

**SOMEONE SOMEWHERE LOVES YOU**

XXX

 

 

A fair maiden sitting with what seems, tears trickling down her face

To find its fairies in all their air and grace

As she tries to feel the sorrow of something lost

The fairies they don t think there needs to be a cost

 

A cost for her heart is not worth the pain

They slide down her face whilst playing in her rain

She hears them giggle and watches them so fair

Whilst they are tying knots in her lovely golden hair

 

Fairies then angels all cover her with love

Thank god for the faith she still has from above

Without this faith she thinks all would be gone

Her heart although hurt she knows she s nearly home

 

She also giggles aloud as she knows what they do

They are telling her there is someone there for you

Someone who will understand your every single pain

Whilst this golden maiden feels a completely different rain

 

A feeling of guilt comes to her head

As she then remembers the numbers who are dead

Them who now cannot feel from their humanly state

Brings herself together, speediest of pace

 

Then sits and prays for the families who need her more

Knowing at least she can choose a different door

Asks her angels politely please now leave my side

Go to the distressed and down their cheeks please slide

 

Give them something wonderful to lift a grief so sad

Knowing that these people hate the world and all its bad

Please restore their faith in humanity just for me

Because even I know there are wonders out at sea

 

Give them all my love and let them feel my embrace

I’ve lifted my spirit to find you in a place

I will reach out to you with friends who share my view

We all know to pray for the unfortunate is the kindest thing to do